Daily Archives: February 24, 2013

The Side Boob

side boob

This last week I’ve heard this phrase used a few times, and to avoid awkward questions about my internet history I haven’t remembered to find out what it is. There are scandals about it, the Grammys banned it and there is a whole twitter account devoted to it. Wow, I wonder what strange phenomena this is? Is it when a girl wears a bra that’s too small and gets a bonus boob at the side – is Side Boob another phrase for that? Or is it some new kind of salad you have with your main course – “Yes and I’ll have a side boob with that please”? Perhaps it’s when someone takes you off to the side of an important meeting to discuss boobs?

No, it’s just that some women wear dresses or tops that let others see the side of her boob. How utterly disappointing is that – why is there a phase for this and why are people so excited about it? They can’t know about the interweb’s pages and pages of boobs at the click of a button.

Yes we seem to have got to a point after the whole wardrobe malfunction of Janet Jackson at the Superbowl in 2004 that we’re allowed to think about boobs again – but not nipples, they are just for babies. The media get excited when there’s a trace of a fleshy curve don’t they; I didn’t realise that photographers and editors were all twelve years old as a rule. Why are we still obsessed with breasts? Well us men have several words for them so they must be important:

Tits, boobs, knockers, bazongas, jumper potatoes, jubblies, wangers, spaniel ears, fried eggs, norks, Bristols, baps, bosoms, tatas, hooters and dairy pillows are just a few of the monikers that the male population like to use for the fulsome funbags. We’re obsessed especially here in the UK where we have decided to dedicate a page to it in our largest selling national comic newspaper The Sun. Every day some person who has forgotten to put on a top is telling us about their thoughts on the news which is invaluable. The “News in Briefs” laughs in the face of those who think that all topless or glamour models are thick. Here’s one of my favourite quotes from this very feature:

“DANNI, 23, from Coventry

DANNI is excited by the IVF breakthrough creating disease-free designer babies from three parents. She said: “We can now separate problematic pronuclei from healthy mitachondria cells in the DNA of two women and a man. Always helps to have an extra woman on board.” “

Now this is obviously a joke to balance up the absurdity of a half-naked woman appearing in a daily newspaper, but what the f*ck is wrong with us? Seriously!

Have we not got past this weirdly British thing about boobs yet or are we all still waiting for the Benny Hill theme tune so we can run around chasing semi-naked women round public parks? I likes fine a boob as much as the next man – even gay men love a pair of boobs look at Gok Wan for goodness sake – but can we stop this childish and pathetic fake outrage/interest of the 1970s and move on. I couldn’t give the tiniest f*ck what a topless girl in a newspaper thinks about politics; at no point will I lose any (more) sleep by worrying about the amount of flesh that is shown tonight at the Oscars; neither will I be writing to my MP on returning home from a beach holiday abroad when some of the topless women don’t realise that British men could be on the beach too and just not ready for the full-on exposure to her fun pillows.

It’s a boob. They’re great. End of.

JD

 

JD’s Oscar Predictions

oscars

The culmination of the awards ceremonies takes place tonight as the Academy Awards hands out the last big trophies of the season. With some wrongly calling it “The most open for years” it will be the usual winners in the usual places. The big change this year will be the host; Seth MacFarlane has a good reputation and it will be interesting to see how he uses the spotlight tonight. I’m not expecting him to be too edgy, but maybe he’ll throw some curveballs to keep everyone awake. The other thing that may be on the cards is the Bond reunion on stage. It would be brilliant to see all six actors together for the first time, but as Lazenby said in an interview yesterday he doesn’t expect it as Seam Connery never turns up to Bond events. We’ll have to wait and see.

I’ve looked at the big awards and again I’ll be picking my choices and guessing at the possible outcomes.

Best film

The field is wide open here in terms of the popular vote – it’s a three-way race between Argo, Silver Linings Playbook and Lincoln here. My gut says that Argo may get it because it’s about Hollywood saving day (even though it was a Canadian at the centre of the original story) and Ben Affleck has picked up most of the awards going for this so far. Add George Clooney into the mix as producer and it ticks a lot of boxes for Oscar. Outside bet – Silver Linings Playbook.

  • Amour
  • Argo
  • Beasts Of The Southern Wild
  • Django Unchained
  • Les Miserables
  • Lincoln
  • Life Of Pi
  • Silver Linings Playbook
  • Zero Dark Thirty

Best actress

Emmanuelle Riva got the BAFTA for her role in Amour, but I can’t see anyone but Jennifer Lawrence getting the nod here. It ticks the academy checklist of woman not playing glamorous, mental illness and up and coming star.

  • Jessica Chastain – Zero Dark Thirty
  • Jennifer Lawrence – Silver Linings Playbook
  • Emmanuelle Riva – Amour
  • Quvenzhane Wallis – Beasts of the Southern Wild
  • Naomi Watts – The Impossible

Best actor

All great great actors but I do think Daniel Day-Lewis will make history tonight as the first male to win three lead actor Oscars. As much as it would please me to see Cooper or Jackman pick it up, Day-Lewis is playing the most popular American president and nailing it.

  • Daniel Day Lewis – Lincoln
  • Bradley Cooper – Silver Linings Playbook
  • Hugh Jackman – Les Miserables
  • Joaquin Phoenix – The Master
  • Denzel Washington – Flight

Best director

The real issue with this list is the lack of Ben Affleck for Argo – hence the reason he may get it for Best Film instead – of those on the list it’s between Russell and Spielberg on this one. Russell may sneak it because of the success of Silver Linings Playbook overall in terms of the cast, script and popularity…but never write Spielberg off.

  • Michael Haneke – Amour
  • Ang Lee – Life of Pi
  • David O Russell – Silver Linings Playbook
  • Steven Spielberg – Lincoln
  • Benh Zeitlin – Beasts of the Southern Wild

Best supporting actor

Although on merit Christoph Waltz should win this one, I wouldn’t be surprised if De Niro pipped him to the post. For over forty years he has been a talisman on the silver screen and sometimes – as with last year and Christopher Plummer – they give out an award because of who it is rather than for that specific performance. Although he has been in more comedies and lighter dramas of late his name still carries a cache – it’s been 32 years since he last won an Oscar so he’d be my outside bet here.

  • Alan Arkin – Argo
  • Robert De Niro – Silver Linings Playbook
  • Tommy Lee Jones – Lincoln
  • Christoph Waltz – Django Unchained
  • Philip Seymour Hoffman – The Master

Best supporting actress

Anne Hathaway has won over all the critics with her performance in Les Mis – even those who didn’t enjoy the film, rated her acting –  and unless there is a massive upset then it should be hers.

  • Amy Adams – The Master
  • Sally Field – Lincoln
  • Anne Hathaway – Les Miserables
  • Helen Hunt – The Sessions
  • Jacki Weaver – Silver Linings Playbook

Best foreign film

The fact that Amour has some big mainstream nominations I’d expect it to take this one home as a consolation.

  • Amour
  • No
  • War witch
  • A Royal Affair
  • Kon-Tiki

Best animated film

In in doubt, it’s Disney’s. Wreck it Ralph has had nothing but positive reviews with comparisons to Toy Story – so it’s a shoe in.

  • Brave
  • Frankenweenie
  • Paranorman
  • Pirates! Band of Misfits (UK title: Pirates! In an Adventure with Scientists)
  • Wreck-it Ralph

Music (original song)

With it being Bond’s 50th Anniversary and the US love in for Adele it should be hers to go with the recent Golden Globe and Brit and Grammy. Greedy!

  • Before My Time (Chasing Ice) – Music and Lyric by J. Ralph
  • Everybody Needs A Best Friend (Ted) – Music by Walter Murphy, Lyric by Seth MacFarlane
  • Pi’s lullaby (Life Of Pi) – Music by Mychael Danna, Lyric by Bombay Jayashri
  • Skyfall (Skyfall) – Music and Lyric by Adele Adkins and Paul Epworth
  • Suddenly (Les Miserables) – Music by Claude-Michel Schonberg, Lyric by Herbert Kretzmer and Alain Boublil

Short film (animated)

I include this because of the entry from The Simpsons with “The Longest Daycare”. Hollywood adores the work of Matt Groening and if you consider the Simpsons Movie didn’t even get a Nomination last decade this should help to redress the balance.

  • Adam and the Dog
  • Fresh Guacamole
  • Head Over Heels
  • Maggie Simpson in The Longest Daycare
  • Paperman

Best plan for tonight is to set your Sky+ box and go to bed, the ceremony is never as good as you hope and it is toooooo long for its own good. The highlights shows and YouTube clips rarely do it justice so just record it and watch the bits you want to tomorrow night instead.

JD

Photobombing

Photobombing

Photobombing, or lurking as we call it when our brother in law Jock does it , is a skill that has been developed over the last few years. With the advent of digital photography people now regularly try and get into the background – or foreground if they are adventurous – of other people’s photos. The one above is a slightly more sinister version but I’ve chosen some of my favourite ones from the web, some you will have seen before and others that will be new to you.

 

 

photobomb 1

From the Creepy…

photobomb 2

To the jealous..

photobomb 3

Not sure who is freakier here…

photobomb 4

Doggy style…

photobomb 5

To chipmunk style.

photobomb 6

Still got it Bill!

photobomb 7

Cakey cake!

photobomb 8

You ain’t all that sista!

photobomb 9

Taking Tom down a Pegg or two

photobomb 10

You should really tidy up before you start taking photos love!

JD

 

Signs that your Daughter is an evil mastermind

IMG_4089

Oh yes she’s cute all right, but beneath those big brown eyes and innocent face lies an evil mastermind ready to take over the world. It’s too late for us now, she’s already started on this road of Machiavellian scheming, but use the following guidance to save yourselves. If you recognise any of these symptoms in your own kids you may still have time…

1. She refers to herself in the third person

  • “Jenna don’t like it!”
  • “Jenna is going to play her iPad!” (It’s not hers but that’s the leadership qualities an evil superpower aspires to)
  • “Jenna don’t feel well”

By referring to herself in such removed terms she has already managed to separate herself from her actions. She also knows that by branding everything as hers that her empire is slowly building.

2. She can ensure others take the blame for her actions

Delegation is a key skill in evil mastermindery, her patsy in our case is her brother. She enters  room like a Tasmanian Devil, whirling and spinning like a hurricane or chaos and breaks, damages and spills her way around the room – then as the cherry on top she’ll turn on the waterworks and blame her brother. Clever really as he hasn’t become wise to her ways yet.

3. She wants access to technology to expand her plans.

With iPad, laptop or PC she knows that these devices are the key to her expanding her brand of world domination. She demands access to the PC if I’m sitting working at it and demands games. She has a special affinity to the Slingo game because she likes the “Bad Man” that can steal your points who is n fact a devil. If this happens she will turn to me and ask “Are you all better now?” A menacing statement indeed. Her love of the iPad leads her to playing games such as “Where’s Perry?” based on the Disney Channel’s Phineas and Ferb show, but she enjoys the Doofenshmirtz levels more. I think this is because she can learn for his mistakes and become a more rounded super villain.

4. She has a secret hideout.

The doorless cupboard in her room is now her secret hideout and she has filled it with cuddly toys. I’m sure she is holding secret meetings with them all sitting round as Dr Evil would with each toy being given a task to complete – if they fail they will be consigned to the dreaded toy box.

5. The element of surprise

She is willing to wait before striking. Make no mistake she is patient. It can be up to two or three hours after she’s gone to bed that the attack happens. The door to the living room will burst open and a small child will appear often in a disguise of hat & gloves or willies and she will dance non stop for tem minutes without saying a word. This mesmerising act is calculated and she knows it buys her henchmen time to enact their plans while we’re distracted. Maybe a phone call is being made to Spectre or Skeletor, a signal is being relayed from a window to others in the gang – we just can’t tell as she has perfected this diversion so well we are transfixed by it.

6. Torture techniques

I think I’ve seen every episode of Peppa Pig at least three times now, and the high pitched Pontypines from the Night Garden are akin to mental torture. Lately she moved into new territory and is watching Cinderella on repeat. I can’t see her plan here yet, perhaps she is considering using the fairy godmother’s powers for bad it’s not clear yet. The only thing I know for certain is that Bibbity-Bobbity-Boo is stuck in my head – maybe it’s some kind of hypnosis she’s using.

I better cease communications in case she catches me here. If this is my last communication then please remember me kindly and forgive me if you see me in my henchman’s outfit in public. I think I hear her coming….no….no…..not that….anything but that….no..NO! Not Night Garden again! Please Charley Bear or Peppa anything but not the Ninky Nonk…………..aaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrgghh!

JD

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