Well I’m having one of those lives.
I understand what a lucky and fortunate guy I am, but f*ck me it’s been a long day. The problem with being in the middle of a depressive patch is that everything negative is magnified and plays havoc with your perspective on life. I’ve now had a couple of colleagues ask if I’m okay which is not a good sign – obviously I say I’m fine and just tired. Which is partly true because the other side effect for me with the low periods is I can’t really sleep, my mind is working overtime trying to find solutions to things that aren’t really problems; the knock on effect is I miss the obvious problems in front of me and walk straight into them.
As I’ve said on here before I struggle to keep up with juggling several things at once when I feel like this, it’s as if the usual filter that helps prioritize my thoughts has buggered off and left a temp in place who is playing Solitaire instead of filing. Today I knew I had three of four jobs to do – simple ones that just needed me to speak to individuals and organise things for the launch of Red Nose Day in the school. Great, I thought, I’ve the whole morning to get this done and then teach this afternoon. The important thing I forgot was I was out of my room all day because exams were being sat in that corridor, but that’s okay I can busk a lesson easily enough. It wasn’t the lack of lessons that was the issue it was the lack of exam papers for Monday’s Media Prelim – they were locked in my cupboard for safekeeping with a group of Physics pupils sitting a three and a bit hour exam.
Normally this is the sort of thing I’d laugh off and just wait until I had a chance to pop in, but with my scrambled brains I panicked came up with plans that MacGyver or Hannibal Smith would have been proud of to solve this conundrum. The obvious thing was to wait until the exam was finished at 4.25pm and just go in and get them. It took me about and hour and a half to work that simple thing out. That’s what this bloody illness does to you; mountains and mole hills spring to mind (but not in an organised way).
This is what frustrates me most about this chemical imbalance in my head – the lack of control and not being able to access the simplest route and ideas through issues. The exam situation is nothing in the bigger picture of life but while you are going through it you miss the clarity that you need to deal with it. This is what’s hard to explain to people who look at you wondering why you’re slowing turning purple and getting angrier with yourself. The medication helps but it doesn’t do miracles. The job doesn’t help either as teaching is a juggling job where you have to think about 160 kids at once, the development work, the marking and the left-field arrival of the problem you never knew existed. Maybe it’s time for a change.
Does anyone know a job where I can paid to rant rather than do it for free? 😛