This last week I’ve heard this phrase used a few times, and to avoid awkward questions about my internet history I haven’t remembered to find out what it is. There are scandals about it, the Grammys banned it and there is a whole twitter account devoted to it. Wow, I wonder what strange phenomena this is? Is it when a girl wears a bra that’s too small and gets a bonus boob at the side – is Side Boob another phrase for that? Or is it some new kind of salad you have with your main course – “Yes and I’ll have a side boob with that please”? Perhaps it’s when someone takes you off to the side of an important meeting to discuss boobs?
No, it’s just that some women wear dresses or tops that let others see the side of her boob. How utterly disappointing is that – why is there a phase for this and why are people so excited about it? They can’t know about the interweb’s pages and pages of boobs at the click of a button.
Yes we seem to have got to a point after the whole wardrobe malfunction of Janet Jackson at the Superbowl in 2004 that we’re allowed to think about boobs again – but not nipples, they are just for babies. The media get excited when there’s a trace of a fleshy curve don’t they; I didn’t realise that photographers and editors were all twelve years old as a rule. Why are we still obsessed with breasts? Well us men have several words for them so they must be important:
Tits, boobs, knockers, bazongas, jumper potatoes, jubblies, wangers, spaniel ears, fried eggs, norks, Bristols, baps, bosoms, tatas, hooters and dairy pillows are just a few of the monikers that the male population like to use for the fulsome funbags. We’re obsessed especially here in the UK where we have decided to dedicate a page to it in our largest selling national
comic newspaper The Sun. Every day some person who has forgotten to put on a top is telling us about their thoughts on the news which is invaluable. The “News in Briefs” laughs in the face of those who think that all topless or glamour models are thick. Here’s one of my favourite quotes from this very feature:
“DANNI, 23, from Coventry
DANNI is excited by the IVF breakthrough creating disease-free designer babies from three parents. She said: “We can now separate problematic pronuclei from healthy mitachondria cells in the DNA of two women and a man. Always helps to have an extra woman on board.” “
Now this is obviously a joke to balance up the absurdity of a half-naked woman appearing in a daily newspaper, but what the f*ck is wrong with us? Seriously!
Have we not got past this weirdly British thing about boobs yet or are we all still waiting for the Benny Hill theme tune so we can run around chasing semi-naked women round public parks? I likes fine a boob as much as the next man – even gay men love a pair of boobs look at Gok Wan for goodness sake – but can we stop this childish and pathetic fake outrage/interest of the 1970s and move on. I couldn’t give the tiniest f*ck what a topless girl in a newspaper thinks about politics; at no point will I lose any (more) sleep by worrying about the amount of flesh that is shown tonight at the Oscars; neither will I be writing to my MP on returning home from a beach holiday abroad when some of the topless women don’t realise that British men could be on the beach too and just not ready for the full-on exposure to her fun pillows.
It’s a boob. They’re great. End of.