My Funeral



You are all cordially invited to attend my “Are you sure the bugger’s gone?” party – Date to be decided.

For a man so young (shut up!) I have been to too many funerals for my liking and they have all had something in common – I might be the only one to notice this – but they are quite sad affairs. The person at the front is using the word “celebration” but the definition in the dictionary doesn’t seem to match up to what I’ve sat through. Obviously each to their own and freedom of choice and all that but when I go – and I’m making this public now and printable so you can take it along on the day to ensure my wishes have been carried out – I want a true celebration of my life.

Firstly no religion, let’s be honest it’d just bring things down – and that quote from Ecclesiastes about “a time to dance” just makes Jill giggle and think of Footloose anyway. So a Humanist affair with speakers from Friends and family being brutally honest and hopefully funny about me. Get two or three people who knew me best to talk about me like I was still in the room and take the piss out of me – not like I can answer back. With no religion means no hymns, so we need music and the more ironic or inappropriate the better. So “Down Down” by Status Quo, “Living in a box” by the band of the same name and “Disco Inferno” from the Trampps as they close the curtains around the coffin at the Crematorium are all fine by me. I would like singing so I’d have the whole lot of you singing “Always look on the Bright Side of Life” by Monty Python as a slide show of me looking like a twonk appeared on a projection screen. If I’ve got time before I go I might even leave you a wee video message to speak to everyone for the last time.

I’d also not bother with flowers if I were you, I’d rather you donated the money to charity and you know which ones I support so that’s easy. We do need a dress code though as the whole maudlin black thing doesn’t do it and fancy dress is maybe too much, so just come in your normal casual clothes. People are more relaxed in a jeans and t-shirt than in a suit and tie.

Then there’s the after party – yes party so take the full day off work to make the most of it. There should be a bouncy castle for the kids – yes bring the kids along for a day out, they won’t care who’s in the box. For the adults a karaoke would be the best option so find a bar, put some money behind it on my behalf and get a good old sing-song going and a good drink on the go. Make an afternoon/night of it, chat to each other and just have a good time. If for some unknown reason you decide that you d miss me then feel free to grieve in your own way, in your own time, but at my funeral have fun and enjoy yourself and remember me that way please.

I’m an awkward, anti-social, inappropriate, pain in the arse so why would I want anything different in death?

JD (Still alive at time of typing)

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