Niggling Noise

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There’s something that’s living at the back of head today and I can’t work out what it is. Whether it’s something I have to do and have forgotten about, or an important date for some reason I just can’t seem to work it out.

The human brain is a magical thing and even though we can look back 13.2 billion light years to moments after the big bang we still don’t understand that bit of flesh inside our own skulls. We each understand our own minds to a point but science doesn’t understand the brain fully yet. We know more than the scientists for once – except when it’s their mind. Today’s feeling is a bit like being in the midst of the depression but without the low – I just seem to be stuck with ideas swimming around my head but I cannot work out what it is in the middle of everything that I should be able to see.

Perhaps it’s just my brain starting up in preparation for work on Monday and beginning to dust down the school-based thoughts that I’ll need. Going back to work after a break is usually either positive as if I’m ready to go or negative because I can’t face going back to all the demands, but this time I don’t feel anything. I’m not particularly bothered one way or another this time which is new. I wonder if the thought stuck in my head is one of my usual responses trying to break through and tell me which way I’m supposed to think and feel.

This lost thought is not about money, not a birthday or anniversary, not about somewhere I’m supposed to be because I’ve done the usual walk-through in my head of all the rooms in the house and nothing is clicking. I’ve also tried doing nothing, just sitting and watching TV allowing my mind to go blank – which didn’t take long – and hope it would just appear. Now I’m randomly blogging about it in the hope it pops up while I’m typing.

With the new medication perhaps this is me starting to turn the corner and feel “normal” and I’m going to have to learn all over again how my mind works. I’ve gotten so used to working with it I know what it does and how it does things and perhaps with the re-balancing of the chemicals I’m going to have to start again with my thought processes and ideas. That’s a scary thought because I’d reached appoint where I was coping in my own way with a messed up head – I had methods in the madness.

Whatever it is that is stuck in my head I’m sure it’ll turn out to be something really mundane like to set the Sky+ box for a show I saw advertised or to remember and get something next time I’m at the supermarket. At least I hope so.

JD

 

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