I Hate Candy Crush!



“I’ll try this” – you think to yourself, not realising it’s more of a commitment than marriage in some ways. It saps your energy, you rely on friends to support you, you are willing the time to pass so you can get a life when ironically that’s the last thing you’re actually doing. It’s the OCD in me that makes me want to complete things and have the “set” but of course with these games there is no end.

We’ve fallen for it all our lives being dragged along on adventures in various guises over the years. In our youth we watched every week in anticipation for the kids to finally get home in Dungeons and Dragons and they never did. Once they got close but that annoying kid was more concerned about Uni the unicorn to go home. Prick. Then there was Knightmare where week after week you tuned in to see if the kids could make it through only to miss the episode when they finally did!

Then we grew up and the X-Files kept us hanging on for nine whole seasons to see if the “Truth” was out there – no it f*cking wasn’t! Lost was the same and there are numerous examples where they dangle us like bait over the box sets and potential next series only to disappoint you.

When we grew up, there were girls – they really disappointed. Nothing like you thought they’d be (effectively men with boobs and without a cock) turns out they’ve got feelings and expectations and standards. They are like the human versions of these apps you give your time, money and hard work and they still want more. There’s no pleasing them no matter how long you play for.

So we download Birds that kills pigs, jewels that sit in threes, bingo slot games and many others and just as you have completed all the levels available there’s an update, then another and a new in-app purchase that would help you but you refuse to yield to “the man” and give him your hard-earned dosh. Then late at night when you can’t get past a level you dip in and buy an extra life or two, then a wee bonus item to help you and before you know it you own everything possible and you’re sitting at two in the morning with big black rings round your eyes, and it hits you – delete the app on your Facebook page and on your iPad, then block all the updates on Facebook it’ll be like it neve…advert for Candy Crush on TV.

Oh for f*ck sake. I turned on the TV to get away from it why are they advertising it? I give up.

We’re doomed to repeat the need for completion in life. It lets us feel like we achieved something because we’ll never run that marathon or climb Everest. At least I can tell the grandkids I got three star on every level of the original Angry Birds game. That’s before the fifteen new levels they added of course.


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