Did anyone check life’s small print?


Magnifying glass lying on a legal contract

I don’t know about you but I think I need to read over my contract again – you know the one on the life guarantee you get when your born – because I must have missed the clauses about life kicking you in the arse at every possible opportunity. It’s as if the karma of the planet knows you’ve had a good day or week and it checks the balance and then empties the contents of its stomach on you from a great height just to keep you in your place – whatever that is.

It’s always the same you work away and then someone somewhere finds a proverbial spanner and throws it solidly into the mechanics of your life. It can be that you’ve achieved a wee personal goal and to celebrate you’re going to nip into the takeaway for a treat – it is exactly at that point some idiot will prang your car and not leave a note. Or you can decide to make a charitable donation or set up a direct debit to one of your favourite charities only for a fuel bill to fall through your letterbox which leaves you wondering how you’ll make it to the end of the month without pawning one of your kids.

Noel Edmonds likes that whole cosmic energy thing where you ask the universe for things and write them on post its to help you achieve those goals – knowing my luck I’d get an infection from a paper cut when putting them on my fridge door. I’m not really a spiritual person so I don’t believe in forces or fate, but there must be something out there working against me – or if reincarnation exists I was a real arsehole. Yes even worse than I am now.

Some people have a self destruct button that makes them stop themselves from enjoying life, but that’s not me – in fact the very opposite’s true and I’d be happy to win a couple of million on the lottery and then just chill out for the rest of my days. I’d be more than content with an easy life but that’s not the hand I’ve been dealt so I need to find the positives and try to make my own highlights to keep me going. I try to amuse myself with music, charity work and now with this blog but each one invariably comes unstuck in some way or another; from problem brides to angry tweeters there’s always someone out there who doesn’t want you to have an easy time of it.

But you can’t stop being you. Yes life will throw shit at you – the trick is to know when to duck. Have I learnt how to yet? Not even close, but if there is a contract with my name on it I’d like to see the signature on the bottom because I don’t remember agreeing to this.


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