I’m in a strange place at the moment – in between everything, having not left anything and not moved on to anything yet. My own personal limbo with one foot in each camp not sure when to lift one foot off the edge of the past to move on.
Because the last of the paperwork still has to be completed for the new job it’s a weird feeling to have a job, but not at the same time. I’ve not handed my notice in either so I’m still very much an employee of the state at the moment and nothing really seems right. I’m also still in two minds about the band just now with each day throwing me between wanting to get started again and giving it up after next years couple of dates. The whole thing is causing me to have a bit of a lull and I’m stuck until something moves.
And this is my idea of hell – a lack of control. Not being able to define and organise and structure things drives me mad; my brain is working quite well just now and I really want to feed it new ideas and possibilities for all the new courses I’ll be teaching next year but I can’t quite reach that point because the final I hasn’t been dotted yet. I’m sitting forward planning for the next month or so for work to take me up to Summer but then because my brain is desperate for a challenge it’s thinking ahead and planning for he whole year when it doesn’t have to. It’s almost as if I need a distraction to keep it amused while things are finalised like it’s a small child which has had too much sugar.
The meds seem to be working and they are keeping me level, or even slightly up at the moment so my brain is in a good place so I need to take advantage of this while I can. If my usual cycle of depression stays on course I should be fine until mid July before the usual slump comes – but hopefully this time I’m ready for it with the new dosage which will make it an easier ride. Normally I’d be working on something for the band or so busy with all the summer wedding gigs that I wouldn’t have time for anything else but for the first summer since the early Nineties I’m looking at a whole season off with nothing to break up the time once work finishes at the end of term.
I’m not as focussed at work just now because of all this; hopefully once the kids are back from study leave I’ll have lots to keep me amused & busy to take my mind off this personal purgatory I’m in. I just want to have a clean break now but I’m sort of stuck until the mid to end of August when the new post starts. I’m one of life’s over-thinkers and the more time I have for this the worse it gets for me – everything is magnified and blown up to ten times the original relevance or importance and small things linger and malinger more in my head than normal.
Solution? Need little targets and goals to achieve. Have to sort out aims to keep me occupied until the fresh start comes along – knowing me that’ll involve a great idea for a new hobby which includes buying something I don’t need, will never use and will ultimately ignore because I’ll be busy again soon. Hmm I wonder if you can buy exotic pets online…