So today we set off on our adventures to Italy and after the bus journey (which will be full of sweets, crisps and fizzy juice infused teenagers) we will reach one of my least favourite places – the airport. This is not a specific airport, just the places as a whole – they seem to turn normal decent human beings into complete morons. If I ruled the world they would be very different places.
1. Drop off & parking: Why are all assumed to be evil and rich outside airports? Evil that we can’t stop for more than five minutes when trying to pick up or drop off someone without becoming a suspicious person to the authorities and rich because if you park for more than a minute you have to take out a second mortgage. I’d have 15 minute bays close to the terminals so you can park up, get the bags out and say goodbye without grumpy officials eyeballing you at every turn.
2. Departure & Arrivals boards: I’d have these outside as well as inside. How often are people in the wrong place? Well if you put up info outside as well as inside you would sort some of the issues straight away. Also inside can we have them in places that don’t obstruct doors and toilets please. Also why don’t they make an app available so you can see arrivals and departures for your airport on your phone or tablet to save people hanging around looking at the boards?
3. Check in: Here’s a crazy idea if you had self check in machines that worked we could all check in much quicker! Also we need to remove the question “Could anyone have put anything into your bag without you knowing?” because by basic English standards if you don’t know there isn’t really a firm answer to this.
4. Security: I understand the point of this but can we not have to take half our clothes off please? I’d rather an X-ray style machine was used than take off shoes, belts etc. Also could we have more stations to go through to save the backlog of people on the other side who are trying to get dressed again .
5. Duty Free: Stop lying to us about these things being tax free – they are pretty much the same price as I can buy a Toblerone and a bottle of vodka in Asda. Another thing is the aggressive perfume pouncers – if I want to try an aftershave I will and stop trying to sell me one that you get commission on please. I understand the simple strip of paper and th e spray combine to let me smell it – I’m not an idiot.
6. Boarding: Unless you are with a budget airline where it’s a free-for-all you all have allocated seats so please stop barging and pushing to get in line first. It’s pathetic to watch these grown men and women fighting like it’s a dinner queue at primary school. If you wait you’ll get your seat same as everyone else.
7. Airline Staff: I know that you have a crap job putting up with us general public but if you are caked in enough foundation to patch holes in Hadrian’s Wall and enough Mascara to keep Kiss going on tour we will make fun of you. We don’t want camp Oompa loompas, we just want normal humans who do their jobs – or we will take the piss. And to the camp fellas – you are not helping the progress of the gay community by being so over the top; caricatures like that have not been seen outside a plane since the 1970s in sitcoms. You’re gay, we’re fine with it.
8. Baggage Carousel: This is where people completely lose their minds and you end up with bruises from those trolleys as everyone returns to that “each man for himself” mentality of boarding the plane. Here’s a simple plan if everyone takes one step back and asks the person in front to pass their luggage back we’d all survive without my blood pressure hitting dangerous levels. If you’re rude you have to go and sit in a time out zone until everyone gets their luggage. Oh and parents tell your kids to get back out of the way and off the conveyor belt – how are we supposed to get a bag past the five year old falling over in front of us?
9. Exits: Why are airports so keen to have us stay in these buildings? Please mark exits more clearly so we can all find the buses and trains or the exits we need. You worry so much about security on the way in yet there are hundreds of zombie-like creatures dawdling about at the other end trying to find the way out. A few signs or staff pointing the way would be helpful.
10. Food: Why are the restaurants so expensive? I know they are not suffering from great volumes of competition and can please themselves but you’re taking the piss when it’s £5 for a bacon roll and a cup of tea. If you lowered your prices to high street levels you might find you make even more. Costa is one of the worst for the overpriced sandwiches and crisps.