The old sanity-ometer is reading well at the moment. It’s been a good couple of months since I changed the dosage on the new meds and I’m feeling better on the whole – but then I’ve been here before and it doesn’t always last.
Overall though things are going well at the moment with the warm sunny weather helping my mood, my sleep pattern has returned to normal and I’m looking forward to the next challenge of the new job that starts in August. I feel better full stop and I’m even looking forward to getting out and about this summer for some long walks and being able to switch off for six weeks knowing it’s a fresh start and not just back to the same old habits after the break. Despite my hatred for gardening we’ve got a nice space at the back of the house to sit and relax too if we don’t want to go far – fingers crossed the weather olds out for us.
It’s difficult to relax completely about my head because I know like the seasons the dip will come back, the difference this time is that I should be on the right medication to get through it without it becoming too bumpy or low. I remember when I changed on to the current meds and there was a short term “up” that I enjoyed before I cam e crashing down again, but with all the other aspects of life on the up just now I’m hoping I’ll no notice it as much when it rears it head again. It’s frustrating because when things are good like just now you relay want to bottle these feelings to remind yourself that there is a positive you – it’s almost like Jekyll and Hyde in that you don’t remember the other one exists and you forget the way you could and should be. It must be as bad for those round about me having to react to whichever of the two versions of “me” are around.
The other sign that things are going well is that I’m considering longer term goals just now – from simple things like day trips this summer with the kids and looking forward to our little adventures together through to the bigger ideas for writing that I’ve got swimming around in my conscience at the moment. I’ve had a couple of interesting possibilities that are taking shape at the moment – and I know when my head is clear it’s a bit of a cauldron that I can throw things in and leave them to develop and enrich in my mind. During the darker spells there’s no room and things are rejected and lost in the mist. So I’m in a positive place just now.
One other thing that tells me I’m fine is that I’m not obsessing over things at the moment – even like the blog. I can look back at when I would sit for hours looking at the screen wondering where the next subject would come from. Also the tome of the pieces are lighter and I’m not as angry so I can approach them in a more level headed way. I’m not writing as much either which means I feel like doing other things rather than hiding away in my office.
So fingers crossed for a sunny summer in every sense of the phrase.