What’s that big shiny thing in the sky?



Write this one down in your diaries as the day we completely lost the capacity to think for ourselves. This weekend is going to be warm and sunny with temperatures ranging from 20C in Wales to 30C in Yorkshire. Now with this information you would know how to cope with the weather wouldn’t you? Well the BBC and the MET office obviously think otherwise as they have released a Heatwave warning. A 90% chance of a heatwave between noon on Friday and 8pm on Sunday.

Now I know some of you were considering dusting down that faux fur coat and were going go for a long run this weekend in it – but wait there is advice from these oracles of weather in the shape of Public Health England:

  • Try to keep out of the sun between 11:00 and 15:00 so don’t enjoy the good weather – sit inside and watch Flog it on BBC2 for whole afternoon instead
  • Wear sunscreen – Why? I’m inside. You told me not to go out?
  • Wear loose cotton clothing – Ah well the fur coat returns to the closet
  • Drink lots of cool drinks – Are Jagerbombs still cool or have they become passé? Perhaps a Sunny D is cool again?
  • Seek shade – From what? The dangerous ball of fire, of course!!!
  • Wear sunglasses and a hat – Again I’m watching an antiques programme, I didn’t realise there was a dress code involved.
  • Look out for others, especially vulnerable groups such as the elderly, young children and babies and those with serious illnesses – There will be a bingo card in the Daily Mail tomorrow so you can tick them all off. Remember double points for an asylum seeker
  • Never leave anyone in a closed, parked vehicle, especially infants, young children or animals – Is the boot okay? Less glass involved…I could throw in the ice pack from my cool box…

Are we all f*cking idiots? No stop telling us this crap we’re not completely useless you know. Well there will be the usual photos of the farmer’s lobster tan doing the rounds I’m sure; and the silly teenage girls and boys who don’t think wearing suncream is a sensible thing to do even though they cover themselves in fake tan anyway; and those who decide to sit with their tops off all day and wonder why they have sun stroke. But you know what, let’s leave them to suffer. Why should the rest of us constantly be talked down to by these groups just to keep the idiots safe – Darwin was right you know, survival of the fittest is important and if dopey people don’t understand what to do with themselves when it’s really hot or really cold then you know what? Tough luck.

Yes, people need to watch that the very young, the very elderly and the infirm are looked after, but the rest of us are clever enough to manage aren’t we? What’s next – the guide to walking down the road where there has been some rain and there might be a puddle that will soak your feet if you don’t avoid it?

This sort of “public information” is really patronising and insulting more than anything else and more to the point the fact that most of us have been on holiday where it is much warmer than 30c and we’ve survived should be a sign we don’t need this kind of nannying. If officials looking after any of the vulnerable groups don’t know to turn on the fan or air con then they shouldn’t be doing that job in the first place.

You know what in a country that usually provides wind and rain by the bucket load please let us just enjoy the fact that it’s nice for a change instead of trying to create some kind of fear of the ball of fire n the sky as if we are some stupid inbreds who just go outside and point at it all day.



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