Sunday night’s lack of sleep hasn’t left yet, and I’m turning into a right short-tempered miserable git again. My worry is that this could be the return of the Black Dog again – six months since the last time.
Lack of sleep is often a sign that things are kicking in and to be fair I haven’t been sleeping well in the last week or so anyway – Sunday was just the icing on the cake, but I’m still uncertain which way this ill wind is blowing. Headaches and short temper are back and I’m being negative again. I haven’t been like that for a while so it is a concern. Bu then is the anxiety about the situation going to cause…who knows. And that’s the issue. Every bout of depression comes and goes as it pleases and you can’t always recognise it until you are in the eye of the storm.
The new level of meds has either been hiding it all well, as they should, or I’ve had a nice run of six months without an episode which would be a first for a long time as I’m used to three or four a year. March was the worst for a long time and I had hoped that a change of circumstances with the job would see things change but you forget that the external is not the key factor to how you are feeling. It’s all down to the chemicals in your head and how they are working – or not. The uncertainty is making me anxious which is bringing me down. Whether it is the depressive disorder or not is almost irrelevant as I feel this way just now regardless what has caused it.
The ‘close to tears’ thing is also back, which I haven’t missed, and it is the strangest of all the symptoms/experiences. You are bobbing along not thinking about anything and then something strikes you from the corner of your mind and you find your mind getting darker and more claustrophobic as the top of my nose starts to tingle and I feel tears forming in the corners of my eyes. You avoid eye contact and keep your head down as you walk down the street or sit in the office or classroom.
The desire to close my eyes and become invisible is omnipresent. To disappear and find space away from everything and everyone and not have to make conversation or engage with people who will challenge or question – not the ideal for an educator really. I wonder if the darkening of the mornings and evenings and (apart from Sunday and Monday) the colder weather and sunless days are a factor too. The non-stop sunshine and warmth we enjoyed this year was the perfect tonic to banish the blues so perhaps that’s why I didn’t get my usual mid-summer slump. Living in the North-East corner of Scotland is not ideal for those who enjoy the brighter weather.
Solution? Just keep taking the meds and get on with it I suppose – perhaps it is just a dip due to restless nights and nothing more. Think I’m kidding myself though if I believe that. You just know. It’s a feeling you cannot describe although many have tried. Maybe it’s time to start planning something to keep my mind busy and not allow it the time to worry or think too much. All I’m sure of is that I get through these slumps each time – some are harder than others – it’s not something I can really talk to anyone about, and it is one of the reasons I decided to blog to help get it out of my system in words each day.
To that end I’ve managed that today and will again tomorrow.