The trouble with me…



In my head there are two sides to life – the reality and the bizarre world I live in. Despite outward appearances I think I am an optimist at heart – but my pessimistic side is strong too. I’m Ying to my own Yang and depending on which side of my head is stronger at that time decides the view of life I see.

The optimist sees that there will be one thousand winners of £20,000 on the weekend’s lottery and my head decides that I’m going to win. The pessimist sits and smirks in the corner waiting for the inevitable disappointment to pull me back down to earth. We all know the odds are against it happening but that doesn’t stop me. I’ll be mapping out how that  bonus money will be spent before the draw has already been made. By now the pessimist has wet the floor laughing at the absurd and removed view of life.

There’s the part of your head that makes you pretend you have opened the automatic doors with your mind, or changed the traffic lights because you stared at them and counted down from ten. Then there’s the other side that sees toast dropping from the plate and has you halfway back to the toaster before you see the resulting coin toss of destiny butter side down. We all have these two cartoon cherubs on our shoulders as in every other “Tom & Jerry ” episode that ever aired – but my ones really fight amongst themselves leaving me with one side in bed convalescing while the other one rules the roost for prolonged periods. Just now the negative, pessimistic devil has given the angelic one dressed in white one hell of a kicking.

The problems really start when the devil is on top and you expect the worst because it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy every time. I go out into the word looking for the bad things and that’s all I see – not trees or wood, just a pile of sawdust waiting to be blown away. To be fair when the other side is in the ascendancy I expect the tree to have Pooh Bear living in it sitting at his table waiting for Piglet to come round and share his pot of honey – which is worse in many ways as the disappointment is expected and inevitable.

It would be nice, just for once, to put each one either end of a seesaw and for them to cancel each other out, or at least temper each other.  The big black dog that’s here at the moment will pass and I am aware that’s it’s not a permanent state, just doesn’t make it any easier knowing that. But by the same token the hyper, over thinking me that signs up to everything and makes rash decisions is a real pain in the arse. Each side has to try to sort out the mess the other half has caused – and I’m sitting in the middle wondering what the f*ck is going on in my head.


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