This afternoon we were out and about with the kids and friends for a walk around Haddo. It was a surprisingly warm and sunny day for mid-October. It was good to catch up with Martin, Laurena and the boys and let the kids run wild and more importantly tire themselves out. But there was a problem – it was like I was in a bubble my head is so screwed up at the moment and all I wanted to do was head home and hide away, and I hate feeling like that.
It’s not a comment on the company at all as I love the company of all involved but I’m still struggling and think it’s time to head back to the doctors and see what can be done because I shouldn’t be feeling like this still after all these weeks and the with the meds I’m on. In the fresh air, sunshine and good friends I should be relaxed and in my comfort zone – instead you just want to run away and hide; be alone, away from everyone and everything.
This isn’t a cry for help, a sweep for sympathy or anything else – for me the blog has always been about me trying to express myself and how I am feeling so I can see it in front of me and hopefully help myself to deal with it in a better way. Not to say that I don’t appreciate the responses I’ve had to the blogs about the depression from friends and strangers that that have spoken about their own issues openly – that is a help. I know that the only option for me is to go back and check the level and type of medication I’m on with the doctor and see if there is anything else I could be doing to improve things. It took years to get the diagnosis of Depressive Disorder and I hope there’s nothing else there – but hiding away will not solve that problem, only facing it will and when I’m off work next week I’ll go and speak to the quack and see what they have to say about it.
And that’s the big issue – hiding. You want to hide and there is a perverse circular nature to the illness as you constantly think about it and by thinking about it you build it up in you head making everything worse and so on. It’s a cruel trick and worst bit is that you are aware of it happening and your brain is effectively understanding and being fooled by it all at the same time. The general fuzziness that there is in my head just now means that it’s a perfect hiding place for the negative emotions trying to escape the logic and common sense. Think if the Numbskulls were having a foam party – that’s my head just now. Well Numbskulls all with magnifying glasses making everything around them bigger that it really is – hence the anxiety part of my condition.
The horrible bit is when I’m with others I’m not good company at all and it probably feels like I’m being rude, awkward and stand-offish when it’s not that at all. Well no more than normal. And that’s one of the fears the anxiety picks up on by making you over think that experience. So if I’m ever distant when around you don’t take it personally because I don’t mean to be as anti-social as I come across.