Erm…yes my head is confused and I don’t know what I’m doing. I know that this is really nothing new but I’m reeling a bit after an unusual week at work with stuff and things happening many of which I have no control over. Then there’s the other things in my life that I can control but can’t at the moment, but might be able to soon. Understand? No me neither and that’s the problem.
I like knowing what I’m doing – it the control freak in me that likes things in a certain way and life to be relatively simple. Busy, but simple to allow me to see a clear path through each day and week and beyond. But to paraphrase Keane Everything is changing and I don’t feel the same.” There is so much going on in the family at the moment with Jill working part-time and the jewellery too, me with the College and Avenue Q and possibly going back out gigging, then there’s the kids with their non stop social lives and activities it is becoming frantic and we’re all just saying hello in the morning and goodnight at the end of the day.
All that might be more manageable if it weren’t for the added complications we have just now. With a merger at work we don’t know what shape things will be in soon and the impact it will have on our day-to-day teaching, that uncertainty makes CfE almost appealing! We don’t know what the final arrangements will be or how the department will look when it’s finished and with me just a couple of months into the job it’s quite unsettling to see such uncertainty.
Then there’s the ongoing fluctuations with my head. I’m really between two stools at the moment with periods of deep dark depression followed by mad flights of fancy and ideas buzzing round my head. I’m going back this week to see my specialist to see if we need to look at other treatments or change the dosages of the meds which should put my mind at ease a bit on that front. I really do wonder what I must have been like before I started on the meds if I’m like this just now – was I as bad or has the condition gotten worse over the years.
There’s the strange balance within me that needs some kind of structure to my life, yet hates the mundane routine that brings with it. I have such a low boredom threshold and that is why I’ve always got some ideas or plans or projects on the go to allow me to work out my energy in some way – the issues start when I hit the dips and can’t really cope with how much I’ve taken on. It feels more and more like I’m going round in circles without an exit ramp to escape. Hopefully over the next couple of weeks I’ll start to see things more clearly and many of these unanswered questions will start to be resolved.