In every household there are anomalies and curiosities that are particular to that abode, but others are more common that you know. Here in Chez Duncan the current favourite is the Buckaroo bin, but we can also offer you the bag of bags, the tub of balloons and much more besides. Welcome to our home.
My office is the closest room to the front door so by default it is the go-to place to dump stuff when coming in which is why I spend so much of my time holding my feet and screaming because I’ve kicked something that shouldn’t be there or I’m falling over things I don’t expect. In that room lives the bin that appears to used more than any other in the house – with the obvious exception of he kitchen bin. Any packaging, wrongly addressed mail and “crap form the car” the kids have left is usually deposited there. But it appears to have become a game of which the rules are simple – if you place an item on that bin and things fall off you lose and therefore have to tidy that and every other bin in the house up. It’s not so much a rule as a reality. It’s not smelly or anything because it’s mostly paper waste or cardboard with the occasional wrapper but it is annoying. The innocent look on my good lady wife’s face when she pops into the office to speak to me is now down to a fine art.
Then there are the oddities I know others share – like the carrier bag of carrier bags. For the youngsters among the readers it’s like you suffer with “bags for life” and how you seem to buy a new one each time you go into a supermarket. We save the plastic bags we use to then re-use them but not at the supermarket – we use them as rubbish bags or “a wee bag to take X home in” or to deposit a nasty surprise from a child’s shoe. In one cupboard in every house with owners over the age of 30 you will find this mystical world of bags in a bag.
There is also the forget-about-it-cupboard. This is the cupboard in your house that you out things you can’t be bothered throwing out but know you will never use. Not to be confused with the Michael McIntyre “Man Drawer” which holds useful things that may save the day in the future, this is a cupboard – in our house under the stairs – where empty boxes, half full boxes of DIY stuff, spare tiles and general crap live. It’s as if we deliberately save up all the rubbish we can just so we can have a spring clean and feel good about ourselves in the better weather. You have good intentions to use that space properly but it never happens and then restarts the cycle of being a dumping ground almost immediately. If you are struggling to think where your one is, just think where you keep your BBQ fork or Bread Maker. That’s the fella.
Then there’s the toiletries and smelly stuff cupboard that gets a clean out in November – just in time to be restocked in December for Christmas. Ah the joys of re-gifting and Christmas raffles; the aforementioned Man Drawer where all the “handy things” live including batteries, chargers and those five sets of mini screwdrivers from crackers over the years; there’s the organised chaos of the paperwork cupboard where all your bank statements and important letters live; the kitchen utensil drawer that you have never used anything from; and the shoe space where you spend most mornings looking for the pair that you can swear you were wearing yesterday and placed down carefully and now can only find one shoe.
Hope it’s not just me that lives in a mad house – best way to tell is if there’s a woman in the house with you. Dead give away.