I’m a better patient than a doctor




Poor Jill has really been in the wars over the last few weeks and last night the tablets she was taking for her sinusitis made her really sick. I’m pretty useless when these sort of things happen because I feel like a spare part. I’m good at being the patient and just getting on with it, or from a caring point of view I can easily do practical things like make and fetch drinks, hot water bottles etc but beyond that I’m not much cop.

It probably comes from the fact that I used to be really squeamish and couldn’t look at or do anything of any use. One great example was when Jill went to give blood one time    and I ended up on one of the beds because I’d gone green and the nurses were worried about me – so was Jill and her worry stopped her from being able to complete the donation. The words “Fart” and “Church” spring to mind. I’m largely over the whole green around gills thing after my own shots under the knife, all the injections and bloods I’ve had taken – as well as watching both the kids being born. I don’t tend to be bothered as much as I used to be so now I find myself in the room with these situations and become as much use as “tits on a bull” as one of my former bosses would put it.

For someone like me who is a fairly practical and logical person I look at people in pain and draw a blank when you get that look that say “DO SOMETHING” – sure I can deliver the expected words and phrases, but as a man we are usually looking for the solution rather than just being a bystander. You’re giving me a puzzle here but unfortunately I can’t really do anything with it. It’s not that I don’t really care about the pain or problem, just more that until you find something I can do which is useful I’ll just go back to sleep if you don’t mind. I know the female readers (largely the female ones) will be shaking their heads at this point and the males (again generalising) will be in agreement. I can guarantee that the following conversation has been had:

Him: “You OK?”

Her: “No.”

Him: What can I do to help?”

Her: “I don’t know!”

Now it’s a short conversation but here is the logic behind it from a male’s point of view – two questions asked and answered and we are not required. We return to what we were doing beforehand thinking that we have nothing to offer here. We’re obviously wrong because then this happens:

Her: “What you doing?”

Him: “Going back to sleep.”

Her: “Aren’t you going to help me?”

Again I return you to the earlier questions – we did try but you didn’t know what you wanted and we thought it best to leave you alone until you have worked out what it is we can do. It’s not rude, just a better use of our time than listen to her whinge some more. Now men have two options here; one results in a bit of a huff on her part, the other cause a fight.

Him: “What do you want me to do?” – WRONG! She will tell exactly what to do at this point and will bring up all the times you have been the patient and she has looked after you.


Him:  ”   ” – Just look at her until she rolls her eyes then turn over and sleep.

She’ll be pissed off but you won’t really see it because you’re asleep and by the time you wake up you’ll be rested she’ll be less angry and then you can go to the shop buy up the Lucozade, a magazine and some flowers and you’ll be forgiven. Simples.

Thank goodness men don’t make a fuss when they are ill….



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