There are days in your life when you wonder if it’s you or it’s everyone else that has lost the plot. You have bad days, weeks, months – even years at times and I’m more than aware of how lucky I am but some days you really do wonder if someone struck your family with a hex or curse because I feel I’m having one of those lives.
There’s a strange paradox that I feel the most settled and balanced I have done for a long time, mood swings and lows are reduced on where I was this time last year when I had to go and see a professional for support – but at the same time I am the most frustrated and trapped I think I’ve ever felt. I think that has a lot to do with being almost doing several things while being stuck in the same position I always have been. I don’t mean to be cryptic but the combination of still being in education when I have a couple of legs out the door is incredibly difficult to balance for me just now.
You try to do your best and get on with your work because you owe it to your colleagues and to the students you teach but then you have a couple of days when the work really kicks in and the student’s brains turn to mush and I’ve got very little patience left for that neediness. That might sound harsh but for many it’s not an inability but a lazy attitude that obviously got them through school but they can’t understand why we aren’t doing the work for them here. Most are lovely and do their best but others are just…urgh!
Being within touching distance of a few new exciting opportunities magnifies all the negatives and imperfections at the moment and it’s a feeling I’ve become over-accustomed to. You think the sun is going to shine out from behind the cloud as you get a wee glimpse, only for a huge grey nimbus cloud to dump itself in front of the beam you were enjoying. You get to the point where you’d rather not see sunshine at all than be constantly teased by it.
It’s not even about someone waving a magic wand, or a big win on the lottery it’s more about getting to the next step – a feeling of achievement. There are so many things I’m proud of (family being at the top of the list) but beyond that there are many things I still want to tick off my to do list and they are oasis-like in their closeness, always being just beyond my grasp. Just for once it would be nice to walk away with my head held high on a professional level and not be so critical or negative. Or worse allowing others to do that for me.
I’m aware that I have a lot to be grateful for and have achieved a lot – but as the old adage goes it’s not the things you do you look back on and regret it’s the things you didn’t do and there are several things that could be realities but for the moment I’m still sitting in the waiting room and my arse is numb.