In the gutter looking at the stars


cloudy night


Unfortunately it’s a cloudy night and I can see nothing in the sky but the briefest of glimpses of the moon beyond the thick sea of liquid vessels above. The first proper dip in my mood for a while but the juxtaposition of feeling fine at the same time is confusing. I’m used to feeling down throughout the day, being lethargic and uninterested, but there’s still a pilot light in there struggling to get things restarted – the medication I presume.

A new feeling – not a particularly enjoyable one – where I am both up and down at the same point without much definition of thought. Usually the slow descent into the darker phase is a slow overcasting of my mind that becomes a “state” where I am stuck until I find my way out again, but this is more a multi-tasking of emotion where I’m experiencing calm one minute, hyperactivity the next, followed by dark troughs and where my filters switch off with those that are trying my patience.

You always hope you’ve “solved it” but the truth is I never will, it’ll always be a balancing act between understanding it, living it and medicating it; a balance that is difficult at times. Overall I feel my head is the clearest it has been in years – there’s a safe plateau I have that is a reasonable constant, but round about it the environment is changing with sheer drops on one side and open green spaces on the other. I am aware of the uncertainty in my working life just now and that must be playing a large part in this downward trend, and the hope and opportunity that I can see is just out of my reach.

I’ve another appointment with the specialist in two weeks time and I almost hope that I still feel this way so I can show – or at least explain the feelings and get a professional opinion on it. The issue is if it passes your mind does a great job of hiding or disguising the dip to divert your attention away and you forget how low it makes you feel. The anger that burns in you and makes you want to shout at those who dare to question you, challenge you, ignore you, patronise you or provoke you. Looking at people as issues and problems is not a healthy way to feel when you are in charge of classes of up to thirty people.

One of the worst things is the reflected hatred you find in yourself, the distrust of your own decisions, dislike of you as a person and your actions. The self-deprecating humour becomes humourless and deliberate – not even done publicly but a constant berating of your thoughts, ideas and abilities in your own mind. The separation of self that allows self-criticism to go unchallenged until you make it back to the safety of that mind plateau.

I wish it were sunny, that my bed were less comfy and my mind were more settled.


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