Two things hit me today – that I’ve got a seven year old son (he just can’t be that old already) and that I’ve hit the patience wall with work. Both are big reminders that time is passing but I feel like I’m standing still – or worse, going backwards missing out on a world of opportunities.
Jake’s seventh birthday means a few things to me: one my little boy is not longer little, he’s growing up and becoming his own person more and more; you can see that definition of character growing daily. He’s my miracle – the boy that might not have been if things had gone differently with the cancer treatment. While he drives me round the bend, I am unbelievably grateful for him in our lives and his enthusiasm for life is one of the things that keeps me going on days like this when I’m at my lowest ebb. I really don’t know where I’d be without my family and friends.
The seven year milestone also reminds me that time is passing quickly – it feels like he’s been around forever, but at the same time he’s only been here for a short time. I was almost thirty and three years in teaching with all these great ideas of where I’d be in the future – yet I’m still sitting in a classroom looking at the industrial painted tone walls, rickety chairs, badly drawn posters and a view of the world outside my window that I’d rather be in than here. I know they always say the grass is always greener – but somewhere it must be. There has to be the belief that I can escape this self made prison and find the rich vibrant lawn I’m seeking.
Job hunting is difficult. My first opportunity fell through because of changes in the company and there is such a high level of competition in the market just now it’s hard to see a JD sized gap in a different industry. I’m not regretting leaving Secondary for Further Education because without the move I wouldn’t have realised just how much I need to move on, but I am struggling to see the pathway through to a destination. Companies insisting on experience and specific knowledge means they are more likely to fill the vacancy with a pre-trained person than take someone on and mould them to fit the job. Someone like me.
I’m more than aware that this feeling of being trapped is a common one and that very few people “enjoy” their job, so I’m not asking for sympathy. It was my choice to come down this road and I have to work with the situation I find myself in. But it would be nice to be recognised as a possibility, a prospect, an option in another field and career. The thought of sitting behind this desk looking out into the sea of blank faces and the small handful of students who continually ask the same inane questions on a repeat loop while my dignity, self respect and sanity all disappear is something i can’t face. Even returning here after the upcoming Easter Holidays is too much to consider right now.
It’s not the people in the department, or even most of the students. It’s me – I need to move on and do something else with my life.