I think this is the longest gap between blogs I’ve had since I started this last year, but the reason is I’m not in a great place at the moment and wittering on every single day about how shitty I’m feeling wouldn’t make for great reading. It’s difficult when your head is as empty as mine is at the moment because there’s so much to do but I just can’t find the focus I need to spur myself on. It becomes a vicious circle: feel like shit > no motivation > can’t get things done > fail at things > feel like shit.
There are little glimpses of light that you have to grab hold of and get things done in otherwise it’s conceivable that you would get stuck in the loop and never escape. From job hunting to trying to motivate myself to do jobs round the house there’s no energy or impetus in me just now. We all know that job searches – especially when you want to take a side step outside your current career – will take time and patience and you need to be able to accept that there will be knock backs on the way. It’s easy to say, but in the current dip I’m in it compounds the negative and you can’t see past it to the next chance.
The worst bit is you become bitter about everything. Deep down I know that I need to get my finger out and be proactive, but the rejection emails and phone calls do make you shrink back and start to look at others in well paying jobs and jobs they love as “lucky bastards” that don’t deserve it when the majority of them do and it’s just me that’s the problem. You also find little patience for those around you and their mistakes and problems – it’s such a selfish thing to do, but it’s hard to escape it.
The consultant assured me last week that I will come out of it, as I always do – and I know I will but the longer it lasts the tougher it is to see any sign of light at the end of the proverb. Little things that shouldn’t be annoying start to become more noticeable; updates on Facebook, adverts on TV, news stories, people in the street – all these insignificant things make me angry, resentful and negative about myself. And I can hear you shouting “Give yourself a slap for f*ck sake and stop feeling sorry for yourself” but if it were that easy I’d have done it by now.
There are a couple of potential positive stories that could be the steps up and out of the current low that are happening over the coming days and I really hope they are both positive and rewarding, but with the mind frame as it is I have already found the flaws in them before I even reach them.
Fingers crossed things improve soon. I need a fresh start, a new lease of life and things to look forward to. Maybe by the end of the weekend I’ll have reasons to be cheerful as Mr Dury put it.