Fifty shades of beige


50 shades

Mum porn. They’ll have to put protective plastic covers on the cinema seats to keep the sad, sad women – and it will be women – from disgracing themselves. I laughed out loud when I read a review that said it was better than the book: not exactly a high bar to reach.

I don’t have a problem with the text in either form because of the content because it’s the kind of crap you can pick up in any train station or airport in the country, just for some reason this particular tale took hold. The content is not new, but the pathetic comparisons between others sex lives and our own have now become a thing to worry about apparently.

Since when did I give a flying fuck what someone else was doing in bed – unless it’s pissing myself reading the news story that seven men had to get metal cock rings cut off by the fire service (not a waste of their time at all then) when they couldn’t get them off. That and a rise of handcuff related call outs shows what a prudish, confused and backward society the UK has become.

Or has it always been that way? The grass is always greener it would seem. When women’s magazines do those quizzes about “how dirty” or “how adventurous” is your sex life is – the truth being it takes all sorts and to think you’re missing out on something because of a poorly written female friendly soft porn book or film is a sad indictment of our self-confidence as grown consenting adults.

You hear women’s groups complaining that it shows old fashioned subservient view of the female in relationships but everyone enjoys their own thing. To assume that all females want the same thing is as ludicrous as saying that we all eat Sunday Roast on the seventh day.

What irks me is the assumption that this represents anything of any importance. The whipping up (excuse the pun) of the advertising campaign and the hilarity of the #notmychristian hash-tag has placed this piece of pulp fiction on too high a plain. To release it on Valentines weekend is to assume men would go and see this. They won’t unless they are marking their partner’s card for the Star Warrs film later this year.

It’s a badly written, badly plotted mess of a book. Mr Gray is not the Messiah, he’s a very dull boy.


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