It feels like the ground is miles below my feet – pulled away by circumstance. So many things I need to shout, people to condemn and anger to vent – but I can’t.

Darkness below and swirling mist through which anything could lie. I find myself a slave to gravity and the laws of physics – the laws of sod would be a more appropriate epithet at this point. Where I’m heading and what comes next is a mystery on this anything but magical tour of life.

I thought by my mid thirties I’d have found some answers, instead each episode of my life provides more questions – many rhetorical unfortunately: Great effect, sham about the lack of answer. Every time a new obstacle gets thrown in my way I have to learn a new coping strategy, but I’m slowly running out of ideas. Eventually I’ll just have to stop and accept the road stops here.

Then the issue isn’t me – not entirely – as others have decided that they have to influence my travels through time. They pull away the ground and switch off the lights at random points before walking away and ignoring the consequences they leave in their wake. Why get involved at all? Malice or ignorance the result is the same.

One day in my head. That’s all I wish on them to cure the blinkered vision they suffer with. To transpose the feelings of anger, fear, anxiety, confusion, hysteria, depression, darkness, helplessness, uncertainty, loss and emptiness into their minds for twenty-four hours. The doubt that you live with every waking hour because you can’t trust yourself to be the person you think you are. Just one day and then maybe they’d understand the pain I live with.

There’s that feeling in your stomach as the downward force takes hold; the whistling of the air in your ears as you pass through it; and the reaching out of limbs to try to halt the descent. To no avail. I’m still falling and I can’t see or feel the bottom in sight.

Ahead there is only the dark.


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