They say that if you just keep going left you’ll always find your way out of a maze – seems an appropriate analogy for me at the moment because I can’t make a right move at all.
You think you’ve made a breakthrough only for life to give you a quick kick and point out your optimism is misplaced. You’re a puppet whose strings are being pulled by others invisible to you. The truth is that no-one should expect an easy ride in life, or think that happy endings are a reality. We all just wander through trying to make sense of things and hope we do it without hurting others.
I’m no angel. I’ve made many mistakes but I’ve also done a lot of things right – we have an obsession with karmic idea of us being rewarded for the good things and being punished for the bad. The cold hard fact is that’s just not true or realistic. That’s where people who have religion in their lives can explain everything away – bad things are God testing you – for the non-believers like me the reality is that sometimes life sucks.
No matter how nice you are, or thoughtful, or caring, or selfless there are no guarantees that good things will happen. And we all know people who are complete arseholes who seem to succeed in life despite their arseholery. I’m suffering from a real run of bad luck of late – some I’m sure would say it was deserved – but I’m lost at the moment and can’t get out of the bit at all.
Life is stagnating and I need something to get it all going again rather than living in this immovable state. An opportunity, something new and different to top me falling into the same ditch time and again, a chance. Maybe I have to be more proactive and make that change happen but it’s tough to do that when you are spiralling down into yourself because of the wrong turns you have made.
You come to a junction and you have two choices, but I don’t feel I can trust either route at the moment – or rely on my instincts to make the decision either. Self doubt inevitably leads to self loathing and the depression takes hold once more. A vicious circle that is not only you fighting with yourself but also with those pulling the invisible strings on you too.
I know that life shouldn’t be easy, but I didn’t think it could be this hard either.