It slowly devours your insides. It might be based in your brain, but the effect runs through every sinew of you until you just have to hold your hands up and surrender. Karl Marx once said that, “The only antidote to mental suffering is physical pain.” I’ve never ventured down that path but I really need an outlet right about now.
The self-loathing begins to turn outwards and you become angry and frustrated at the world in which you live. Every minuscule error is magnified under your microscopic senses making you the worst superhero ever. You can feel the rage bubbling away in you and after you’ve attacked everything inside you – thoughts, feelings, attitudes – the external world is next.
The saddest thing about this is that you begin to push those closest to you away with your fiery temper and accusatory ways. Those around you only want you to be happy and do everything in their power to make it that way and your response is to “attack” them. It’s a nasty and unjustified reaction to love, but common sense is a distant friend who occasionally checks in with you by postcard from far and aways.
And even though I’m aware it is happening I still finish sentences that hurt others; raise my voice unnecessarily to the kids; let the small things annoy me. It’s as if you are outside your own mind spectating on a scene you feel uncomfortable watching – the human car crash that you just can’t drag your eyes away from.
That hurts the most. You know you are hurting the ones you love most. The ones you would protect with every drop of blood in you. The biggest pain of depression is physical because it breaks your heart on a daily basis. The tears, shaking, tightness in your stomach, headaches are all physical manifestations of the illness. Your body is your outlet for a chemical imbalance you cannot control completely – regardless what people think.
Marx may have been right in that the rest of your body takes it’s share of the pain your mind can’t handle to help it. However far through it I am at this point I don’t know, but as Churchill put it: “If you’re going through hell, keep going.”
“Tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow”.