I really don’t know where it fits in to my condition, but I really struggle at times to be a sociable person. I know that many who know me would just say that I’m a miserable old bastard that needs to cheer up – and while their not wrong, there’s still a side to me I don’t understand yet.
By anti-social it’s not that I behave badly to repel people, just more that I’d rather be on my own. I saw a quote the other day that said something like “Why is it when you are at your loneliest it’ the time you really want to be left alone?” I completely get that. It doesn’t appear to be tied into to either the depression or the mania it just happens and I don’t know if it is part of the Bipolar or just me.
And that’s a huge problem. Before I had any of these diagnoses I was blissfully ignorant of what was happening to me. I knew I didn’t feel right at times but overall I just got on with it. When the depression started to impact on my day-to-day life I knew I had to do something, but in doing so it means that you are very introspective and try to explain everything that is happening to you.
The anti-social thing for me is that I just want peace and quiet from other voices, to turn up the music and drive for miles with nowhere to go. I don’t want conversation, company, discussions, plans, objectives or organisation – I just want to be. And yes I know how hippy that sounds as I type it but there you go. It’s nothing personal to anyone you are with at the time, instead it is more about the need to pull yourself away from it all and not be part of anything.
Maybe it’s just me. I enjoy doing nothing, not planning every minute detail sometimes (mind you other times I’m a pain in the arse for the very opposite reason). I don’t mind my own company – not in a narcissistic way, but more that less noise and people means more time to just switch off. Not to have deep thoughts or plan events but just to stop thinking about anything. For many women this is a difficult concept, but very often men are not thinking about anything – genuinely!
So whether establishing depression and anxiety, then later bipolar disorder has led to me ruling certain aspects of my personality out leaving me with the realisation that I am just a miserable bastard, I don’t know. All I am sure of is I need to find some time to chill out in the next few days and get it out of my system.
Go on piss off now, I need some time to not think.