General Election – JD’s Guide



Here is a simple guide to the upcoming election to help you if you are either a simpleton or easily manipulated.

The Tories

posh rehursal may 4

Also known as the Conservatives, they are a group of upper middle class white men, who although straight, did become fags at school or something. They are known for guffawing and killing small furry animals and painting their faces with the blood. If you make a lot of money and want to keep it they will help you. If you don’t make a lot of money and want even less they can help you too.

Like to set challenges for poor people and the disabled are constantly being challenged to live on less and to stop being disabled. They will happily sign a note to say you can work even if you are dying. It’s because of them we have lots of food banks which is great – the more the better. Think of all the free food; thank you the Tories.

Reasons to vote for them: To make Downton Abbey a reality show rather than a drama

Reason to vote against: If you’re a bit common.

The Labours



Once they were people with accents no one could understand, but now they speak right proper and everything. They claim they are supported by Unions, but I don’t believe in them because it’s just a horse with an ice cream cone on its head. They are a bit like Robin Hood in that they live in trees and like to be funny by calling big people little and little people big – sense of humour alert!

They like to spend a lot of money and pretend it’s Monopoly money so there’s no real consequences until they leave the job. They are big fans of cash for gold schemes and will happily sell you stuff they got down the pub too. Their current leader is actually Gilbert the Alien from Get Fresh painted cream.

Reason to vote for them: It’d be really funny to make Gilbert in charge

Reason not to vote for them: Because Gilbert would be in charge.

The Liberal Democratics



Formed at Woodstock in 1969 these people love trees and banjo playing. They wash once a month on the third Tuesday to be fresh for the four equinoxes. Once a party we all loved they are now around level with the bad guy in Die Hard in that we don’t like him because he’s a baddie, but we still sneakily like him because he’s Alan Rickman.

They work with Tories to stop them being total bastards – forbidding them to do things like staring at your Gran and stealing trolleys from ASDA. Their Leader knows lots of languages and can say sorry in them all – which has been very important. They’re a bit like your ex: they promises but you know their sleeping with Kev.

Reason to vote for them: They like Pringles

Reason to not vote for them: Only original flavour.

The UKIPpers


A bunch of cheery, happy-go-lucky racists – just like your Granda they hate everyone who isn’t from their street. David Icke says they look like reptiles but then he’s mental. They like beer and if you like beer they like you as long as it’s British Beer or they might glass you or something.

They get confused by hating foreign people while hiring, marrying and working with them. I think someone needs to do some flashcard work with them. They tend to do well with people who aren’t very clever and who drag their knuckles when they walk. They try to scare us by saying that all foreign people have the AIDS and just want to use the NHS as some kind of Bond Villain hideout.

Reason to vote for them: You’re a racist

Reason not to vote for them: You like takeaway food

The Scottish Nationalistics



Led by 1980s Crackajack star Wee Jimmy Krankie these are the Scottish equivalent of UKIPpers (but are only racist against they border). Once they asked people a question and then they put their fingers in their ears and shouted “nanananana I can’t hear you” so they never really heard the answer.

They want to turn Scottishland into Royston Vasey. Not so much a local shop for local people, but a bit weird and scary and cannibalistic. Rumours are that only people with Fish based names can be in charge and they have Pike from Dad’s army ready to take over if there’s and accident to the Krankie.

Reason to vote for them: You thought Braveheart was historically accurate

Reason to not vote for them: You don’t live in Scotland.

Everyone Else

There are other flavours of idiots available for you to vote for in the Election including all the ones with letter if you live in Nrn Ireln; the party that needs vowels from Wales; the Green Party who like trees and probably don’t shave intimate areas; and many others.

Who you vote for is your decision, you much make a choice between a selection of people you would never have over for dinner or even let in your house. In fact if your son or daughter brought any of them home you would immediately move so it could never happen again. But don’t worry – it’s not as important as that you’re only picking the people run our country.



NB This is a joke. If you didn’t work that out you are not allowed to vote. Twat.

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