“Sorry no more English refugees,” say English

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Protest groups have been putting up sandbags to protect themselves from the evil refugees trying to escape the water damaged North of England/South of Scotland sources report today.

Boats full of middle-aged women and their pets have ‘flooded’ social media since the precipitation from operation Desmond Storm took away their houses. Now where once there stood streets of concrete the roads are running with the tears of heaven and while this is sad, they must understand that the UK is full and cannot accept these asylum seekers.

We see heartbreaking images of settees and household goods drifting down the streets, but we must draw the line somewhere. Too often we are the soft touch when it comes to these people. This Conservative government has made it clear by cutting the money to flood defenses that these people have to survive without any state support. “The fact they have themselves chosen to live anywhere near a river means they now have to live with the consequences,” a government spokesman said today. “There is already water in rivers, and this additional water is frankly the result of underinvestment in common sense by the previous administration.”

As these victims of water are moved to refugee camps outside the danger-zone, many are now asking why these people are being allowed to move so freely without the adequate checks being done. Some are calling for Hadrian’s wall to be rebuilt as an aqueduct. It’s believed that Scottish First Minister Nicola Sturgeon is in discussions with Donald Trump to get him to repay the favour of allowing him to build a golf course on protected dunes and get his new Mexican building firm to start work in the new year.

Church of England minister Rev Peter Down has been challenged to apologise for the actions of his God and other Christians in trying to remove these people. He made it clear that it should not be up to the Church to say sorry as they cannot be held responsible for a small group of extremist weather fronts. “There are always those who don’t understand the true meaning of the Bible and are happy to misquote it to make a political point. On this occasion I would ask that people do not lash out at Christians during this holiday period, but respect them and their beliefs that God is punishing us for allowing Gays to exist.”

The extreme Sun Alliance group have made a statement today to say that they knew this was always going to happen. “If you are going to live in a society where rain is not criminalised, then you are inviting in the problems we have seen across all of the nations of the UK. We have been saying for years that this creeping, rising underground levels of water were eventually going to rise and defeat us. We hate to say it – but we warned you.”

Now these people across Scotland, England, Wales and Ireland are facing more boat journeys and road trips until finally we can get them relocated. This Newspaper hopes that we can work quickly to get these people back into their own homes and out of our dry cities and towns. There is already a huge pressure on services without all these coming in and buying up our M&S meals for Christmas. If roads are effected then we need to ensure our Ocado and Waitrose orders get through in time for the 25th. Clogging up streets with refugees will not be acceptable if vans are trying to get through.

While we appreciate it is a tragedy, we would like to see the government act quickly and decisively in returning these people back to where they came from. This is not being racist, but practical – we cannot sustain our level of complete inaction on climate change and at the same time be seen to suffer from the consequences. This will only make us seem weak and David Cameron has to stand up and ensure we collectively turn our backs on this as we have so often before and just look after our own interests. It’s what puts the “I” in Britain.

The Editor

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