Hi. It’s me. I just need to talk and for you to listen, I know it’s selfish and I’m sorry. Selfish is the only thing you could say is a constant for someone who is bipolar like me. I’m stuck down here, miles from the surface, I can barely see the edge of the hole that I’m stuck in and there is little light making it through either. I know you are living your life up there and I’m out of sight, out of mind to a certain degree – I understand because I’m blind to you and your issues just now too. I want to listen to you and what you have to say but right now I can’t.
I know I’m not pulling my weight in this partnership, I can’t do what you need me to – unfortunately I can’t do what I need me to do either. Sorry. I want to be useful, helpful, reliable and you have sacrificed so much by being there for me and battling through any of your own problems. I’m trapped in a place where the darkness is enveloping me and I can’t see anything clearly. The journey down here is fast, like a zip wire, but the return leg is by my fingertips – holding on tight with each grasp of the ground in front of me but it will take time.
You are the reason I’m putting one hand in front of the other. You and the family are the light at the top of this vertical tunnel and offer me the opportunity for normality and reality in a life where I don’t know from one day to the next what shade that world will be. I fly from light to dark, Infra Red to Ultra Violet and back in the same breath some days and I know you will find it as tough as I do. I struggle to tell you what I’m going through because I don’t want to burden you with my mood swings – instead I write those words down and broadcast to the world.
I don’t do it to avoid you or the conversation, instead it forces me to acknowledge my situation and state publicly that I need you. You provide the support when I don’t deserve it; the sanity when I’m mad; the hope when it’s dark. You are the beacon that I work my way to and shows me that my hope, aspiration and determination need to match your bravery, love and honesty. Without you this hole would be deeper with steeper sides. I don’t need you to say anything to help me – the fact that you are still there each time I resurface or climb down is enough.
I don’t say it enough and maybe you won’t hear me from all the way down here but I love you. I appreciate you. I need you. Everything you do for us as a couple and a family is appreciated. Your strength of character makes me proud of you and if I ever need to repay this open-ended debt to you I will try my best to match your generosity and love. We know that there will always be light and shade but you have lived with more brighter and blacker moments than you should have.
When we met, you were not to know that you were going to have this variety of voices to live with. We were never on the straight and easy path – obstacles have been repeatedly thrown in our direction – but each time you have led me through and found the path again when we looked to be lost. People wonder how you cope living with me. I’m one of them. You surprise and amaze me in ways I’ll never be able to put into words.
We both know it won’t get easier, but as long as you are there to grab my hand as I reach the top again I will always climb.