The End of the World



Time to re-read Revelations, or at least pretend we were paying attention in Sunday School, as the end is nigh. Feels like it at the moment – the news is just one terrible story after another, there are those seeking power who have more in common with Hitler than Churchill, the whole business in Syria with so many different groups all fighting for their own purposes, mass migration with hundreds of young children having to fend for themselves, Daesh, natural disasters being unnaturally vicious and the ongoing appearance of new diseases and epidemics sent to test us.

To those of us who live with a head which is unsettled already, there is an impact of the negative news agenda on us. You blow things up into problems that could or even will affect you. When you live with depression as part of your life these additional black clouds can completely shut out the light. You become preoccupied with them at times – looking up the latest info to see what’s going to happen next.

In a dark world, any removal of light brings anxiety. The logical side of you is pointing out that we have lived through uncertainty and stupid politics before and survived. The sane among you will also advise me to avoid the news if I’m feeling depressed but when you’re down it almost helps to find connections to the world as you become more insular.

The other side-effect of the depression and the “bad news” brigade is anger. I get wound up by the slightest thing; for example I start fizzing over a Trump speech I look around and wonder why everyone is just sitting around accepting these facts. Why are we not rising up as a people and stopping the ongoing stupidity we can see in the world. Then you wonder if it’s just you that can see and hear these things – like a mental illness superpower. You are Bipolar man and your power is insight into the world around you.

You fly above the norm and see all the madness in other people, situations and ideas. The enemy is “Lack of Common Sense Man”; a nasty creature who lives in plain sight throwing banana skins under the feet of seemingly intelligent people. Look over there – there’s a man in charge of a political party who comes from a privileged background, private schooling, Oxbridge education but has no heart or brain or courage. Even the Wizard of Oz would tell him to piss off, but somehow people vote for him to cut money from those who need it most in society. I can’t be the only one to see this. Can I?

On a serious note I find my blood boiling with the world around me because I’m more sensitive to negativity when suffering with a mood drop. It appears that everything is going wrong, there’s no positive news – only issues, problems and heartbreak. The world is out to get you as your paranoia kicks in and everything is a trigger for the short fuse you are holding. Being defensive and striking out at anyone who comes close. And here I am recognizing these traits yet I can’t shake them.

Everything becomes an “End of the World” situation where the worst case scenario is the only outcome to everything. You know in your heart it’s not, but your head is charging on ahead in a self-righteous march towards what you perceive to be the solutions. Not thought out, ill-conceived in the first place and idiotic I become no better than those I get angry at.

Then it turns inward. You get angry with yourself; admonishing the idiotic actions of a man struggling with mental illness. If I did it to someone else I’d be locked up, but self-flagellation is part of the British way of life so nobody blinks when they hear the nutter in the corner call himself names. The outside world impacts and changes the depressed and causes the internal battles to escalate. The self loathing I wrote about the other day becomes a norm – even in the manic phases. I have little or no confidence in myself never mind the outside world.

But what can you do – apart from build a rocket and escape all this background noise? I want to go to bed and just pull the covers over my head until it all goes away.


One thought on “The End of the World

  1. myambivalentexistence

    I can completely relate. Nobody is better at berating you than you when you have a mental illness. I’m taking a sleeping pill and calling it as soon as I can reasonably put the kiddos to bed :/ good luck !

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