It’s a bit like writer’s block but vomity instead of blocky.
My head is full of so much at the moment and I’m really struggling to pin anything down – hence the reason for the wee run of posts this week, I need to unburden my head of thought to get through the next part of my day and ultimately get to sleep.
Trying to live with a mind like this is not only confusing but hugely problematic in a job such as mine. You have to spin over a hundred and fifty pupil at the same time ensuring none fall off, then there’s the band, home and other daily chores that should be under control. Everyone has a balancing act and I don’t pretend to be something special in that respect, but when you are drowning in noises, thoughts, ideas, to-do-lists, voices, reactions and are still standing then I treat that as a little victory. Then you are battered around the head by the news each day and you wonder if you are the only mad one or if everyone else is just as screwed up as you are.
I’ve had a spate of sore heads of late, probably linked to the groundswell of things in the internal tornado. I don’t want to take more pills – even if it is just paracetamol. I rattle enough without adding to the mariachi band of medication I live with. It’s times like this where I do question my sanity in returning to the teaching profession – I love it, but when I’m ill I know I’m not always in the best environment. Minding my P&Qs is at the forefront of my mind just now as with a busy and fuzzy mind something may slip out.
The weather really doesn’t help either as the dark mornings and dark nights mean you never get out in the sun – when it does appear – at any point. It feels like you are getting up earlier and staying up later and those combined make you feel lethargic. I’m sure that’s part of my issue just now too, a lack of sunlight. I never understand those people who say they couldn’t live somewhere like LA because it’s relentlessly sunny. I’d be there like a shot enjoying the warmth and light all year round. Unfortunately I’m in Loss Aberdeen instead and it’s darkness and rain for a large part of the year.
Between my head not working properly just now, the oncoming Christmas jollity and other issues I won’t burden you with just now I’m just done. Had enough. My enthusiasm for life is at a low right now and trying to keep going feels like the end of a long run – you know it’s only a short distance to the finishing line but you just want to sit down, cry and question why you started the run in the first place.
I wish you could unplug yourself and properly shutdown like a machine – not even on standby, but a complete blackout. I can’t tell if I’m depressed or manic just now – feels like I’m in a dip but my head is more active than it usually is. Don’t know if you can be both at the same time? If so that’s the brilliant combination to end a terrible year with: The Grand Old Duke of York finish – neither up nor down.