Grrrr

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angerinsideout

Biting my tongue has always been something I’ve struggled with and being a teacher trying to invent new words or phrases to avoid swearing at kids is a highly inventive thing and something I hope to one day be rewarded in the Honours System with.

The natural reaction in me is to go off on a tirade of expletives and general abuse that would make Malcolm Tucker blush but apparently this is not the way to deal with young people. And it can be the littlest things that induce the blood in your mouth from the pressure of your teeth on the side of your mouth.

Not listening is one of the worst. Normally as a teacher you have to explain something three times – in three slightly different ways so those who didn’t get it the first or second time have half a chance. You know that this will happen. You are also aware of the “idiot echo” which rolls round after ten or fifteen when you are asked to explain it once more. When my head is as addled as it is just now there is such a huge amount of willpower needed to stay focused in those situations.

It’s not the kids that are at fault – and I only know this from having been through the teaching experience once before and then taking a break from it. As my bipolar has really taken hold and developed I know now that I am the problem, the issue and the thing to blame when things go wrong. I’m angry with myself, not the kids. They’re just doing what they always do – plus they have their own demons to tackle going through adolescence. I do wonder if Bipolar is a bit like going through a permanent type of puberty where the hormones are fucked up and you are trapped in that awkward phase.

I think me constantly biting my tongue is why my head is sore at the moment – the ongoing fight with myself is tiring both mentally and emotionally. And the worst thing is when the build up of fumes and negativity is taken home with me and I end up shouting or being rude to my family at home. The filter has finally broken and I can’t hold it in any longer. I’m hurting those closest to me to stay upright through the day and that is so unfair and unnecessary.

There must be another outlet for the pent-up frustration – which is mostly at myself if I’m honest. I am a horrible human being at times; inconsiderate, rude and distinctly unlikable. Perhaps I need to take up meditating or mindfulness to give me a moment to put all that away – but my worry is in those situations with more time to think about things I’ll wallow even longer and deeper in the miserable mire I find myself in. The only time I get a break from myself is when I’m sleeping and even then you can’t avoid it altogether if you are having vivid dreams as I seem to be at the moment.

Imagine a wall of noise and colour and negativity and fear and helplessness and claustrophobia. Then add the fact you can’t step away from it for even a moment you will start to see how life is for me right now. You want to go to bed and stay asleep until you need to wake up.

They discovered that we still had the genes in our DNA for hibernation but for some reason the evolution of man has nulled this – probably as a self-protection against predators. It’s a shame we couldn’t wake it up again because I for one would be happy to sleep for a couple of months at this time of year to avoid the worst of the darkness that is permanently outside the window and inside my head.

If I could learn to turn on the lights I’d maybe see more clearly.

JD

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