The hardest thing about taking medications which change your chemical make up is that your personality changes. I’ve gone from a spontaneous, outgoing, ‘life and soul’ figure to a quiet, introverted and impassive human being. Now obviously as you age you do “settle down” but the person I was ten to twelve years ago would not recognise the person I have become. Even worse the person I am now would probably hate the old me. So is there a point where I could meet the two in the middle or is this just my life now?
You do wonder how much is choice and how much is the medication. Have I deliberately (or even subconsciously) retracted into myself to avoid the manic spikes in my personality? I am still capable of saying the wrong thing and being in the state the late Carrie Fisher called “Liquid Confidence”. The manic does mean that my mouth works before my head has time to catch up and it’s exhilarating and joyous and risky and makes you feel like a kid again. It’s still in there but over the last decade it has been pushed down by the tablets and by me in order to try to function properly at work.
I really miss the manic me – it definitely helped with the creative side of me and also made me a much more interesting person. I know that there is a lot of research on whether Bipolar or Manic Depression has links to creativity and other benefits, and the results are inconclusive, but I know from my own experience the spark is essential. That dose of mania, the madness that comes with it made me a better teacher, better musician, better person. Yes I could say or do the wrong things and not even realise until it was too late but a big part of me would rather be high than low. And I know from speaking to those around me they feel the same way. Being told by those closest to you that they don’t recognise you is heartbreaking. Honest, but heartbreaking.
SO how do you deal with it? We are looking at how the medications work in combination just now and where we can take the foot off the downward thrust and instead allow me to climb up from the depression dip I’ve not been able to shake for the last couple of months. But there is a strong argument that I should be being more proactive and setting myself targets to get up and do things rather than just sit and wallow in the misery I am used to.
Easier said than done because you use all your energy to get through work and by the end of the day your tank is empty – come the weekend sleep is available and you can enjoy a dozen hours in bed. Sounds like a fair way to work, but it doesn’t take into consideration the fact I’m married with three kids. If I were single and without ties then I could live like that but I’ve a wonderful family that deserves better and I should be fighting to make sure they get the best of me too.
I don’t want to look back and think of the missed opportunities with the family. I don’t want to regret the way I acted around them. I don’t want to push them away. The sadness that I have is that I know all of this, yet during the periods I struggle with the depressive side of the Bipolar I just can’t grasp on to those chances. I need something to help me.
My amazing wife is looking after three kids as well as me and she is now living with a man she doesn’t recognise compared to who I was a decade earlier. We both miss JD.
So what’s the compromise that could help here? Well we can lower the dose of Quetiapine to only act as a sedative and stop using it at a higher dose to even out my moods when I’m already on another tablet doing the same thing. Perhaps looking at returning to therapy – speaking to someone. The first batch I had of four sessions just didn’t seem to work, but giving up on it instead of trying someone else was maybe too hasty.
Or perhaps I just need to force myself to start living again rather than just existing. Easier said than done, but if I don’t try then I will end up trapped in this cycle of sadness. Next year is my fortieth birthday and I’m probably past the halfway point of my time on this spinning rock so the question is perhaps not “Where have I disappeared to?” maybe it should be “Who do I want to be?”.